


Love Potions Didn't Work on Number Nine, Cupcake, Gen, PG-13

by blcwriter



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, LiveJournal, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 18:08:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1084083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blcwriter/pseuds/blcwriter





	Love Potions Didn't Work on Number Nine, Cupcake, Gen, PG-13

Written originally as a tribute/comment fic/betrothal gift to the awesomeness that is Team Crackship for Ship Wars, and now posted here for posterity.  Cracky, as is apropos.  That doesn't mean Cupcake's not awesome, and doesn't deserve some serious fic.

\--

Screw this shit, Deputy Security Chief Bert "Cupcake" Baker thought to himself. Hyperallergic and totally-in-denial-they-were-in-love-with-

  
their-BFF captains, cranky and clearly-equally-in-denial CMOs, helmsmen and navigators so ridiculously cute they needed to just get a room to themselves on the bridge, a comms officer and XO who redefined "Teacher's Pet" in ways he didn't want to think about, given that inadvertent glimpse into Commander Spock's closet he'd gotten during the last Klingon invasion of the ship-- they were all fucking useless right now.

Even Scotty-- who knew he had it bad for Kirk's yeoman, much less that she had the hots for the weird Engineer? Either way, the Cthonics had pitched their love potion just right-- except they hadn't expected Cupcake, the ninth one in the party.

While the senior bridge crew were all fawning uselessly over each other, telling each other all of their deepest-held secrets-- seriously, he was going to need some serious brain bleach, McCoy called his first teddy-bear Dr. McLumpykins?-- Cupcake crept to the back of the room.

"Giotto," he said under his breath into his comm. So far, the Cthonics hadn't noticed him missing. They seemed to be too busy gloating and rubbing their long, creepy hands.

"What's up, Bert?" ( _Somebody_ had the good grace to use his real name.)

"Implement Maneuver Eleven."

"Which one is that? Oh Fuck, Kirk's Impregnated an Alien Princess?"

Bert shook his head. "That's Thirteen. No. Eleven."

"McCoy Finally Swore At The Wrong Person?"

"No. That's Three. I said Eleven, Giotto."

"Spock Pissed Someone Off Being All Pissy Even Though He Insists He's All Fucking Logical And All Of That Shit?"

"Jesus, Giotto, that's Two, we used that one last week. Read up on the fucking protocols, man. Look. Just beam everyone up, okay, and ask Nurse Chapel to get up the standard full-spectrum love potion/sex pollen antidote kit. We're gonna need plenty."

He looked over to see McCoy pulling Kirk into his lap. He thought he heard him calling him "Jimmy."

Bert might think Kirk was a jackass, but this was going to get embarrassing for everyone. Soon.

"Yeah. Tell her to brew triple."

\--

Two hours later, Bert sat down to a well-deserved cup of vanilla coffee, extra cream, three sugars, and a red velvet cupcake with extra strawberry frosting-- his very favorite, as the pastry chef knew. She'd made it up for him, "Special, since I hear you're today's hero."

It was nice that somebody noticed. The bridge crew were all too busy turning red (or green in Spock's case) and puking from the triple-strength antidote to thank Bert from getting him out of there before the Cthonics subjected them to whatever dastardly deeds they planned to commit.

Not that he knew. Tactics weren't his shtick.

A strange feeling came over him as he looked at the confection before him, however. A feeling of longing. Completion. And utter abandon.

"Hello lover," he cooed. A slow smile crept to his face as he inched one finger toward its cap of frothy pink frosting.

Across from him, Giotto slid out of his seat.

As the pulse started to pound in his ears, Bert thought maybe he heard something. It might have sounded like ...

"Giotto to Sickbay. Yeah. Gonna need more of that antidote. Damn. That Bert is more kinky than I gave him credit for..."

 


End file.
